tube-wanker /choob-wank-er: A person that commits an act of wanker-like behaviour on the tube or overground.

# 1 Pole wankers

There’s a pole in the middle of the tube for the use of all the standees to help them stay upright. Not for you to fucking lean against.

# 2 Stand at the door wankers

a) If you’re standing by the tube doors when they open and you’re not getting off, don’t just stand in the way. Step on to the platform.

b) If you’re only going a couple of stops, don’t get on first and stand immediately by the door so that every other fucker has to fight their way past you.

# 3 Open the door early wankers

Strictly speaking, this should fall under overground wankers. But I just wanted to point out that there’s nothing more annoying than watching someone trying to open the door before the green light flashes. Just wait, please.

# 4 Slow walking escalator wankers

If you’re going to walk up the escalators on the left hand side, just walk a little faster. I’m not asking you to run, but come on, have a word.

# 5 Newspaper wankers

This isn’t a general disliking of newspaper readers, but when it gets a little busy, put your paper down and give us some space. Wankers.

# 6 Ticket barrier wankers

a) Please, please, please, get your oyster card or ticket out before you get to the barrier. That is all.

b) This is a tad unfair, but when we’re behind you and you don’t have money on your oyster card, it brings out a tut in all of us.

Tube Wanker Alerts

Send your tube wanker evidence to, or tweet me up @tubewankers

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